I'm ok, thank you for asking..... though, i do have some issues, not that should be surprising to you.
God... I think I'm slowly going insane. I mean... I do things, over and over and over again..... not because its fun, or I get a thrill from it. I do things, strange things..... because I HAVE to. And not the usual things.... like say 'hi' to strangers to make their day a bit better, or give spare change to homeless people.
I do a series of 'things', from the moment I wake up, to the second my head touches that pillow..... and apparently, and disturbingly so..... I have started doing some of these 'things' while I'm asleep. I have no control over it. It's a compulsion, a necessity.
I could have read the signs years ago, but I was in denial. I always thought it was just a 'phase I was going through'. I walked through life, with wool over my eyes. I was going to, in time, get over it.... move on.... build a bridge.
But God, that bridge has never been built.
It started as young as I could remember. I remember sitting on my front porch, getting ready for school, and contemplating that if I put my left shoe on before my right, I was guaranteed to have a bad day. For years, that dilemma has haunted me. And God forbid if that left shoe goes on first... my day is over!!
It was funny, that by my teenage years, many of my friends confided in me that they suffered the same problem, that it was actually quite normal. I had also read in a magazine, that many famous athletes suffered the same. Some, had their 'lucky' undies or socks, or trained in a specific manner. By this point I had accumulated more 'things' to my daily routine. I had a strategic way of brushing my teeth, I had my CD collection alphabeticalised and colour coded, I had to fall asleep on my right side, and get out of the right side of bed. I couldn't walk on grass patches, and opted for the gutter in so many instances. I had to set my alarm to a time ending in 8. I cannot handle leaving drawers open, and doors should always be shut. It freaks me out when I see my sliding wardrobe door, slightly ajar. The worst thing I put myself through, was that every night before I went to bed, I had to say to myself 'Tomorrow is going to be a bad day'.... otherwise, it would be.
I have accumulated so many 'things', that now, have turned into something so much more dramatic.
It wasn't until i joined the show 'Burn The Floor', that my secret 'superstitions' became public knowledge. As a long time smoker, who hated the smell of cigarettes, I always had to brush my teeth after a smoke. I hated it so much that I had to have a shower before every show, just so the people around me didn't smell it on my skin. I quit smoking two years ago, and even though I usually smell like a peach.... there I am, showering before the show, even if I have bathed at home only minutes before. I have an order to putting on my costumes, and if I put them on in an incorrect order, it spells disaster. I have to put my make-up on before i do my hair. I cannot turn my fold back speakers on, until my headphones are placed properly, and they must be turned on before I put on the rest of my costume. I have to say the lyrics of every song three times before I go onstage...... something that I tried to change once, but back fired completely.
I used to say the speech in the show, and there I would be, standing in the wing, saying it thrice to make sure I knew it properly. In my ear, a fellow cast member who would always try to confuse me, by changing some of the words to 'dirty' versions, hoping I would stand on stage and, instead of saying 'Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers', I would succumb to saying 'Fred Rodgering Ginger'. Every time he would make me stumble, I had to repeat the speech three more times. But this one time, I got cocky. There he was, in my ear, blabbering on with foul language, when I sharply turned to him and uttered - "You know what..... I don't need to do this. I'm gonna go on, and show you that you can't get to me".
So, there I was standing onstage, alone, in a spotlight. The speech was effortlessly streaming from my mouth. I was beaming, as I educated the audience on the 'history of Ballroom dance'. Their eyes and ears were glued to me.
I had done it. I had put a stop to an annoying pattern. I am strong, I am confident, I am....... hang on....... ummm......... what's the next word........
Suddenly, the voices in my head started there usual song. It's the last word of the speech.... and I am totally blank......
I started with the last sentence..... "Ballroom Dancing, was then, and will always be, completely"....... geez.... I know the word starts with a 'c'........ before I could send a signal from my brain to my mouth...... "COMPETENT"
Competent?
Of all the 'c' words in the English language, I had to pick 'Competent'.
While the audience all raised an eyebrow, and some chuckled at my expense, I saw the faces of my fellow cast members, reeling with joy at my failure to remember the word 'Captivating'. Needless to say, I make sure I still do everything three times before I go onstage, regardless of how much sleep I have had.
Now God..... you must think I have nearly crossed to the loony side by now, but I still haven't finished. My next 'obsessive' thing, has been the most troublesome I have done to myself. It's the 'thing' the whole cast of the show ridicule me about on a daily basis. People are afraid to walk next to me on the street, sit with me at a dinner table, share a hotel room or even catch a taxi with. People who don't know me think I have Tourette Syndrome!!!.
God..... I make sounds. And not easy on the ear sounds either. Four years ago, it would be an easy 'la, la, la, la'.... which no one seemed to mind. I then started going 'Ven Maga!' every chance I could. It seemed to amuse everyone, but did have a purpose. I start one of the songs without a melody and to help me with the key, I would say 'Ven Maga' to make sure I was getting used to the first note. But as time went on, I would be walking down the street on my day off, doing some shopping, or catching up on chores... when all of a sudden... 'Ven Maga!'...... Did I just do that to a strangers face?!!!. I would be half asleep, darkness still fills the room, and it's still hours before the alarm is to wake me from my slumber, when all of a sudden, I'd open my eyes and.... 'Ven Maga!'. Really..... is that what's become of my life?. I was this person who would randomly shout this phrase, no matter what the instance, or situation.
So.... years have passed, and despite the best of intentions of 'overcoming this phase'.... I have gotten worse!. 'Ven Maga!' was replaced by 'Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee', and now, the cherry on the cake...... i have just started saying 'Baaaah Eight!'. It's 'Baaah Eight' in the morning, 'Baaah Eight' at midday, 'Baaah Eight' in the evening...... 10 minutes does no pass in a day when I have not said 'Baaaah Eight!!!!!'. I am the laughing stock of my workplace, and my family. Someone asked me the other day... "So, why exactly do you say 'Baaaaah Eight'"...... I rattled off some excuse about finding my vocal placement, blah, blah, blah...... truth is..... I have no bloody idea. To top things off, I still say the lyrics to my songs three times, but now I have raised the bar. I have to say them in a high-pitched nasal tone that gives the 'Chipmunks' a run for their money.
When will it stop...... or is it........ is time going to travel on.... and I'm going to gather more stupid catchphrases?. Will 'Baaaah Eight' become something even more ridiculous. I mean..... look at my track record..... It ain't getting any better.
Please God, don't let me be committed. Please show me a sign that other people experience these 'things' that they have to do to get through a day. Don't let me be alone on this.
Eternally Grateful........ K xxxx
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