I have to confess something.... something that has disturbed me for so many years. For as long as I can remember, I have kept this secret fetish, hidden away from people, so that I won't be ridiculed by society.
My fetish is food.
I love it. I want it. I need it. I dream of it. I ache for it. I pine for it.
It's not like a 'Greek Salad' and 'Bruschetta' will be suffice, to compliment my desire. I need a bucket of chicken, with mash, and coleslaw.... finished with Gelato and 'Lindt' chocolate balls. God.... even thinking of what i just wrote then aroused me.
I get more turned on by a Chicken Parmigiana, then I do by human beings.
Someone could walk up to me, wine me and dine me, look into my eyes, say sweet nothings, kiss the back of my neck, massage me with oil and sing me to slumber....
But if they bring home some Sweet & Sour Chicken with Deluxe Fried Rice & Fortune Cookies.... they might as well be invisible.
I devour the food, my tongue caressing the morsels as it slides down my throat. My eyes roll back into my head, as I feel it enter my stomach. The hairs on my back stand up, as I feel it digest inside me. The swirling and grumbling sounds become hypnotic. I am in ecstasy.
Around my friends, I try and keep my obsession to a minimum. Usually, I will feed people so much wine, that it detracts from the fact that I have finished off everything from their plates. The only time I get unstuck, is when I get taken to 'Tapas'. It is like my fantasy kind of restaurant. Small plates of everything on the menu. I get to sample and taste and experience it all. I have a bit of this.... I have a bit of that. Little portions of succulent deliciousness. Mmmmm..... my blood is boiling just thinking about it.
But as I have flirted with each serving... the people around me are usually in a state of shock. They are sitting there, perplexed, at how quickly the BBQ octopus was ravenously consumed. Where the hell did all the Prosciutto wrapped Asparagus go? When were they going to try the Rosemary and Garlic Crusted Lamb Shanks!
Oooooops.
I will stop at nothing to fulfill my addictions. I can be walking down a busy street, eye ball a 'Bane Marie' at a skanky Take Away food store, and without warning, I have a plastic bag filled with a Chicko Roll, Schnitzel, Chips with Chicken Salt, and a container of Scalloped Potatoes.
After a full day of teaching... I use to have a ritual, where I would stop off at a McDonald's drive thru, and attempt to fulfill my daily requirement of consuming my 5 food groups. I would have a Fillet Of Fish (Seafood), Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese (Meats), Large Fries (Vegetables), Apple Pie (Fruits) & Chocolate Sundae (Dairy). Oh... and a Super-sized Coca Cola for my Liquids. I actually started to believe that this was a healthy way to cater for all my needs. I had tricked my mind into thinking that what I was doing was benefitting me somehow. I was the picture of perfect health.
From the earliest of years... my parents forced food down my throat. I hated eating. Food was not my thing. My mum use to put money in a brown paper bag, for me to take to school, so that I could order lunch. The menu was pretty simple back then. It was either Sausage Rolls or Meat Pies. At first, I didn't mind chowing down on these. But once you have you first experience of choking on a bit of cows asshole in one of those pies... you never wanna go back. So i used to order the food, it would arrive, and then i would put them at the bottom of my school bag, where it would stay there for weeks and ferment all over my school books. My school bag was like a compost heap of decaying carcass.
Once the smell and cockroach infestation became intolerable... I would throw the stenching food behind the spare lounge in the garage. It wasn't until my parents decided to throw a garage sale, that they discovered my little guilty pleasure.
But from that day... I suddenly wised up.
Who would ever know if i didn't put my lunch order in. Was mum and dad going to ask the canteen ladies if they had taken my order? Could I be putting the money I used to waste on those hideous lunches, and use it for something that I would and could enjoy much more.
I never put my lunch order in again. I would starve myself all day, until that moment when the final bell would ring, and I would run to the local corner store and order me up something I couldn't wait to sink my teeth into. Hamburgers, Hot Chips, Potato Cakes, Dim Sims...... the choice was endless.
Suddenly... food didn't scare me anymore. It no longer plagued my mind, because I was in control of what I ate. I wanted to try it all. There was no stopping me.
From there, I went further.
I worked as a singer in a theme park as a teenager, and that's where I fell in love with Squeezy Cheese, liquid cheese you could pump out of a container. It tasted like melted Lego, but it was damn good.
A girlfriend and I discovered this little cafe in Paddington called 'Hot Gossip'. They were famous for their nachos and jacket potatoes. We would sit there for hours, hoeing into these gigantic portions of carbohydrates topped with Bolognese, Sour Cream, Shredded Cheese, Avocado.... It was bliss.
Lately, my mind has been transfixed on lebanese treats like baklava. Mmmmmm.... Baklava. How can you beat little delicacies of mashed pistachio nuts, surrounded by pastry and drowned in honey toffee. One baklava with a cup of coffee would usually be sufficient.... but oh no..... a tray can be wiped out in seconds when I'm around.
All this may sound great, and I have managed to stay somewhat in shape, despite my bingeing. But my world turned upside down when two words were uttered to me for the first time.....
'Weight Warning!'
I'm in the entertainment industry. I'm not allowed to eat more than a side salad or californian roll. And here I was, eating like everyday was a buffet!.
I instantly put myself on a diet..... I tried the 'Jenny Craig' thing.... but couldn't get my head around 'portion control'. I upped my water intake... but water tastes so much better with a splash of cordial. I switched from full fat to skim, and regular Pepsi to Diet. I was sacrificing so much!!!!.
But those 'two words' have been on loop for the past 10 years.
Weight Warning.
Weight Warning.
Weight Warning.
Ironically, everytime someone utters those words..... I crave & before I know it, I have consumed a whole plate of Butter Chicken and four Samosas.
How do I do it God. How do I have my cake, and eat it too..... mmmmm...... cake....... cheesecake..... with caramel topping....... and chocolate flakes.........
How do you keep so in shape.... I mean...... if I lived on a diet of Wine and Bread, I'd be the size of a house!.
What's your secret. I need some answers.
xxxxx k
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